Farmers First: Four phrases to repair your farm relationships

Hello, farm family!

Have you noticed extra stress in your on- and off-farm relationships lately? Perhaps you find yourself:

• Avoiding “hot topics” with customers (or even family and friends)

• Feeling uncomfortable in family get-togethers

• Wrestling over how “personal” or “political” to get in social media posts

• Resenting yourself and others for things said and things left unsaid

• Wishing everyone could just get along

Me too. Daily communication – both in farm business and farm life – can sometimes feel like a mine field.

The truth is that each of us will eventually find ourselves in a conversation that strays off the “safe” path. When that happens, there’s a good chance some strong words may get said and some feelings hurt.

In that moment, lots of thoughts and feelings may occur:

• I can’t believe they said that!

• I never should have gotten into this discussion at all!

• They’ll never talk to me again.

• There goes one of my best customers.

When that happens, you can either resign yourself to a lost relationship or engage in repair. In most cases, I recommend repair.

Repair is not a one-time thing. I sometimes find myself working to repair the same relationship many times a day! I have learned, however, that judicious use of four key phrases can help you strengthen relationships in the good times and more quickly repair them after a blow-up.

Phrase #1: I’m sorry.

You read that right. These two simple words can do more for your relationships than anything else. Why? Because it acknowledges that you see the other person feels wronged and that you are taking responsibility for your part in it.

Here are some examples for different aspects of farm life:

• To clients: I’m sorry I didn’t get your order completed on time.

• To friends: I’m sorry I didn’t recognize how strongly you feel about this topic.

• To family: I’m sorry I lost my temper.

• To employees: I’m sorry I didn’t give you clear directions.

Just remember: do not follow “I’m sorry” with a “but.” As soon as the “but” comes in, you communicate that you’re not really sorry, and the repair work gets immediately undone.

Phrase #2: I was wrong.

That one might make you cringe a little. No one likes admitting that they’re wrong. Some of us might not even be able to recall the last time we said the words. Trust me, though. These are three of the most important words you will ever say.

Admitting you were wrong frees you up to do what is right! It implies that you’ve taken a look at your behavior, found it lacking and recognized a way you could have done better. If you never engage in that self-reflection, you’ll keep doing the same thing over and over, which will end up harming you as well as those around you.

Phrase #3: Can you forgive me?

This one carries with it a little bit of risk, but that risk is the very thing that makes it so powerful. Let me be clear: nobody is required to forgive you for hurting them. That’s why we say, “To err is human; to forgive, divine.”

By asking someone to forgive you, you give them permission to say “no.” When you ask this question sincerely, you remind the other person that they have the right to decide who to forgive, for what, and when. That autonomy is what allows real repair to happen.

Our family distinguishes between “accepting an apology” and “forgiving.” The first honors the request but also indicates the injured party’s inability to extend forgiveness right then. It’s hard to not receive forgiveness right away – or perhaps ever – but it’s also a stark reminder that our actions have very real consequences both for us and those around us.

Phrase #4: Thank you.

These may be two of the most important words in any relationship. They can be used in almost unlimited situations and deliver different relationship-building effects every time. The key is to use them regularly and always follow them up with a reason:

• Thank you for doing the dishes.

• Thank you for being such a consistent customer.

• Thank you for letting me speak my mind.

• Thank you for forgiving me.

• Thank you for being honest with me.

Notice that “thank you” can be used for things we feel good about (someone doing the dishes) and things we might not like but want to honor (not receiving immediate forgiveness).

When used with sincerity, humility and self-examination, these four phrases can have truly impressive effects on your relationships.

My children, who are in their early teens, have repeatedly told me how much they appreciate my willingness to apologize to them and admit when I am wrong, especially because it is accompanied by my earnest attempts to build skills that help me not to repeat the mistakes (or at least not to the same degree or frequency!).

How can you use these four phrases with the people in your farm life? Drop me an email at kcastrataro@pen-light.org and let me know how it goes!

It’s your time to grow!

Note: Repair is not recommended in situations of repeated emotional, physical, sexual or financial abuse. If you think your relationship falls into an abusive category, contact me, and I’ll help you access the right supports.